As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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