My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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