it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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