party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
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