What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!