Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
