So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
