He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
