Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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