I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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