I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
