so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
