The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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