I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
