I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
