then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
