at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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