I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
