I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
