the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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