I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Randomize
