I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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