Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
