I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
