I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
