I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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