Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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