my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
