i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
