Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
