i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
