also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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