Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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