I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
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