I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
