i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
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