I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
