Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
