just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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