you guys were way drunker than both of me
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
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Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
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All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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