Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
