i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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