I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I met the friendliest cop last night
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
its liver damage thursday
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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