sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
