My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
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Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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