She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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