So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize