At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It's shark week go big or go home
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
