you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
