So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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