I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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