Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
