You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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