apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
