My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
