Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
