Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
