is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Randomize
