he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
