so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
