i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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