Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
