My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
